Standing outside the burned apartment, we could not believe it was true.

Lena,gone.Our babies,Mason and Christian,gone. Gone forever.

We would never be able to see or touch them again.

We felt as if we had been sucker-punched in the stomach and we could not breathe.

Sept. 16,2005-  the day of the Funeral A blur.A big,empty blur.Empty and hollow,it feels as if our souls have been deflated.

It feels like this is not real,like it could not have really happened.

Today,the day that Joe said goodbye to his family is Joe's 24th birthday.

October, Halloween- It was a tradition that the cousins went trick or treating together. We have wonderful pictures of each year that they were together.

One year we took a picture of Alijiah and Mason caught red-handed filling their bags with the candy that we were to pass out. This year we loaded Alijiah,Joryan and darian into the wagon and went door to door.It just wasn't the same.

Cousins,playmates and best friends were sadly missed.

November 21st- Christian's Second Birthday. We could imagine him digging his fingers into his cake,laughing,with icing smeared all over his little face. How terribily sad to realize he never got to open birthday presents twice.

Our "little,big man", gone forever.

Thanksgiving- We brought the little plastic picnic table in and set it next to the "big people's" table.

We only set out three little paper plates with turkey pictures on them. We remembered how very much Christian loved to eat.

He would be sitting at that picnic table digging his little fingers into whatever food was there long after the other kid's had gotten up to play.

Eating was Christian's number one favorite thing to do.

December- Every December,about two weeks before Christmas, we have a party for all the Cousin's in the family. We used to joke that we had our own baseball team.

Santa Claus would arrive and each of the cousins would sit on his lap,get their picture taken and receive a present. Each year we smile to feel the sheer excitement of each child.

This year our joy was mingled with pain as we thought about how happy Mason and Christian would have been.

They will never have the opportunity to sit on Santa's lap again.

Christmas Day- We didn't have the heart to wake Joe up to watch Alijiah,Joryan and Darian open their presents.

It just didn't seem right that his two babies were gone and he would never again be able to experience the joy and excitement of opening presents on Christmas morning with them.

We were quieter than usual.

February- Valentine's Day Only three little hearts filled with chocolates, only three Valentine day cards. Last year we had a heart-shaped cake and sang 'Happy Valentine's' day to each other.

This year there was no singing.

April- Easter We had a Easter egg hunt for all the cousin's. They had a lot of fun.

We bought a wreath of pink flowers for Lena and eggs for Mason and Christian and placed them on their grave.

May- Springtime. Alijiah,Darian and Joryan are able to go outside and play in the sun.

The rocks around the flower garden are scattered and turned over already.They have found many worms and roly-poly's underneath. That was one of the favorite things that the boys used to do together. Then they would put the worms on their motorcycles and take them for rides.

Christian used to ride his motorcycle so fast that we nick-named him,"speed racer." Last summer, Mason learned to ride his bike without his training wheels.

We will never again see them with popsicle stains running down their arms and their stomachs.

Summer will never be the same. We will never be the same.

May 16th Mason's Sixth Birthday.

We probably would have bought him a present that had to do with sports because he was so naturally athletic. We always thought he would go to school and excel in sports.He was as agile as a cat.

We are only left to wonder what great feats he might have accomplished.

We are only left with memories of Birthday parties in the past.

We are only left with tears.

June, July,-Summer 2006 We have the motorcycle still that our little"speed racer",Christian, loved to ride last summer. Every time look at it,I think he would be on it,just laughing and having so much fun.

And he would have been talking this Summer. He could have asked for his popsicle that he enjoyed so much.

Mason and Alijiah, who knows what trouble those 6 year olds would be getting into. They used to move everything in the yard that wasn't tied down into their treehouse.

Alijiah's birthday is in June, Mason was one month older than him.

Darian's fourth birthday was in July. Cousins,playmates and best friends were sadly absent and missed at the Birthday parties. .

School will be starting soon,only one bookbag to buy. It is not getting easier with time,there are so many more tears to cry.

August 22- Lena's Birthday- Just a sad day.

Picked Joe up because he could not bear to be alone and went over Cristin's to just sit. Filling up sad time with emptiness.

Remembered the last birthday card that I ever got from Lena,Mason and Christian.On August 22,2005.

Lena and I shared the same Birthday.

Sept.13,2006 - The first anniversary of your deaths

One year ago today,we got a phone call at 6 a.m. that there was a fire at your home.

I called Uncle Jesse to go to your house and check on you.

We woke your Daddy up and told him we had to go, there was a fire at your house.

Daddy,Ken and I raced to Girard. On the way there,I called Uncle Jesse to see where both of you and Mommy were at. He said he did not know. I guess I knew then.But I kept on praying the whole way there.

It was too late for prayers,you were gone.

You were gone,you all were gone.Forever.

It didn't seem real at first. We were standing in front of your burned- up apartment,saying,"No".

"Yelling,"No!".Yelling."God,No" But it was true.

Two days before we were at a parade. It was so much fun. There was a picnic afterward, I remember Mason got stung by a bee and I put ice on it. Mason helped me put up Halloween decorations that weekend.

Joe said we were putting them up tp early,but we told him that it was never too early. Mason and I were supposed to go buy a bulb for our one plug in pumpkin.

We never got to.

Christian said my name for the very first time one of the last four days of his life.

I remember I teased Joe that he had said,"Ninny', before he said,"Daddy"

The last day of your life,the last time I saw you. You were both standing at the back door with Joryan and Darian,Aunt Cristin in the background,waving goodbye and smiling at Alijiah and I as we were backing out of the driveway,taking Alijiah to the bus stop for Kindergarten.

We were smiling and waving like crazy,back to you.

I am glad my very last memory of you was a happy one.

I pull it out at times just so I can smile through my tears.

Love,Ninny
(Cindy Michael)
9-13-05 through 9-13-06
A Journey through Pain